So here I am again. I face the day I have to go back into treatment for the third time in the last 12 months. I could bury myself in pitty and tons of guilt or just move on and learn from this. This go around is a real wake up call. So here’s what has happened since October. (I’ll post about my 3 week stay in October soon)
I got out of treatment for the second time. I did great until New Years Eve, I drank that night and started drinking a few times a week. I told myself it was all in moderation so I felt i could control it. However, before I knew it I was counting the hours and minutes until the girls went to bed at night for my stress relief . At the end of February, the inevitable happened and I started drinking during the day. I reached out to my therapist who said he would see me, but at that point I was into day two of a five day binge. I messaged the day before we were supposed to meet, without a response. Again, I messaged him the day of the appointment without a response. Hubby was off that day, so he dropped off the middle daughter at school. He sat in the driveway for a good 10 minutes or so, I just figured he was doing management duties for work. I just thought someone was calling in or something work related. Nope, It was my therapist who called him and told him he’d better get my ass to rehab or he would get DCF (Department of Children and Family) involved. I didn’t realize at the time, but the days leading towards the end of my 5 day binge, I’ve had some conversations and texts with him and I was not OK during those conversations. So later that evening we dropped the girls off at Grandmom’s and we were on our way to the treatment center…once again
I stayed for 15 days.
This go around I spent a lot of time in my room isolating and reflecting on another screw up. I spent a lot of my time feeling hate toward my ex therapist for the first week. By the end of the week, I got over myself and realized even if he threatened to turn me in to DCF out of aggravation, he called my husband for the best interests of the little one. He is obligated to report if I’m in danger or anyone in the house is as well. I think it’s called right to report? School teachers are also in that boat for the safety of the children they teach.
“This is the definition of my insanity; I drink to lower my anxiety, but my alcoholism fuels my self hate and guilt. It’s an endless cycle that is numb to the inner perspective, but only your loved ones can see your spiraling destruction.“
This time in treatment I learned I have many self esteem issues. This time I got a therapist who was very intense and not afraid to call anyone out of their bullshit. I later found out she was a mom, so she could spot it a mile away. Since my stay was only 2 weeks, I got one hour sessions twice a week. She focused on self esteem and relapse prevention. Which I needed! I hope to find a new therapist like her outside of rehab.
I only made a handful of friends this go around. The center has expanded since October. The first weekend there were over 100 of us recovering. I have social anxiety, so I was an anxious mess. Even my previous therapist from my last stay made me a shaky mess. Anxiety is a bitch! I told him why I was back, he believed the right thing for my old therapist to do for me was to see me and then make the decision if I should have come to treatment. Regardless of the reason I was there, i just wanted to get through it and come out breaking this vicious cycle.
Again my liver enzymes and cholesterol came back elevated. Another 4 months until my liver heals itself. Hopefully I didn’t cause any long term damage. Since May of 2019 I’ve lost a total of thirty pounds. All of that was from alcohol. I hope to loose another five to ten, hopefully that will lower my cholesterol . I’m proud of my weight loss so I thought I’d brag a bit.
I’m so thankful to be back in the real world even though the planet is going through rough times right now. Tomorrow will be three weeks sober and I feel great!