Its like a dream or something. A video that is stuck on repeat. I keep trying to go to my “positive place” but my demons won’t allow it. I don’t want to cry anymore, I don’t want to think anymore. It’s nothing in particular, it’s just overwhelming sadness mostly from my past. Those who don’t understand, would just say get over it. But when you’re told by a supposed loved one you’re worthless and won’t amount to anything, AND even your own mom wont stand up for you after those things were said, its pretty fucked up. I have so many thoughts that are tangled in my head right now. Its like balled up in a huge cluster fuck, that play over and over like a broken record. I can’t get my guts to calm down because of the thoughts, other unpleasant symptoms too.
My home life is great, but why won’t my mind allow me to enjoy it? It’s like I sit here and am I’m being punished for something. The name calling still stings like it was said to me yesterday. I still believe them, and I know they’re not valid.
These events happened to me decades ago. I’ve mentioned about being mentally and physically abused by my stepdad and first boyfriend. I’ve been out of that situation for about 15 years now. Why can’t I think of the happy things that go on now? I’m not in that place anymore, but I feel like I’m still in hell.
We made hot wings on Sunday, and had a nice get together. Instead of socializing, I went and had a nap. I’m good at isolating when I can. I feel sleeping will give me relief from these toxic thoughts.
Ever hear the saying “You gotta be ‘sick and tired’ of being ‘sick and tired’ to try to change?” I call bullshit. I’ve been sick and tired of being sick and tired for a long time now. A huge reason I turned to the bottle. It’s about knowing the tools on knowing how to change your thinking. Changing your thinking is a shit ton of work, understanding the anatomy of the brain and conscious change, which is a hell of a lot harder to do than just knowing whats going on in your brain. You think any “normal” person wants to think of negative shit every day? Hell no!!
I understand intensive therapy is a process and its not going to happen overnight. Its not going to happen in a month or two to click. The poison that has been transplanted into our brains wasn’t done overnight, and its not going to go away overnight either. I feel it was my parents that was using some kind of fucked up brainwashing. Who knows, they may have had fucked up shit happen to themselves. I encourage my kids to be what they want to be. I love them more than anything and if they say they want to be whatever, we will test the waters.
Hell my middle daughter struggled with swimming just a few weeks ago. This weekend she was confident enough to jump off the diving board!!!!
I feel like I’m loosing my patients here, but I can’t do what I usually do and just give up and hope to get better on my own. I know I can’t give up. I’ve got to keep trying my best. Even if the therapist thinks I’m trying my best or not, I know I am. Hell, maybe that thought is just in my head, I don’t know. I have noticed some thoughts don’t even replay in my video anymore, so I know it’s working. Just slower than I wish it would, but this didn’t happen overnight either. I keep telling myself that when I think about just giving up.
I know I have to trust the process, I’ve been in therapy before, and all I did was talk. Which did nothing for me. So I gave up after a few months. (giving up is a pattern for me and I refuse and will fight it) I don’t want to fall back into my old habits and just quit when I get frustrated or I don’t think its doing more damage than good. There were times where I wanted to just give up, but I need to prove myself wrong and complete this shit to get better.
Stuff we talk about is painful, I can’t count the times where I wanted to just grab my purse and just leave! I actually did once. I think mostly it was because I felt guilty about my relapse, and my therapist challenged me. I got to a point where I shut down and felt like I was just wasting his time.
I imagine that one day I will be truly happy and know that my purpose matters and I am helping others go through the same shit I’ve been through. Hell, I’m still at a point where I’m trying to figure out who I really am again. Its scary to think at 36 and I still not know who I really am. Its something I’m working on daily trying to figure out. It’s a huge step of growing as a person.
If your reading this and feel the same way as myself. I challenge you like my therapist challenged me to NOT give up! The light at the end of the tunnel seems far now, but little by little, you’ll get close enough to see the progress. The one thing I learned from my daughter, is that fear holds us back from doing things like jumping off the diving board at the pool. This is my challenge to you to hold fear back and dive deep into therapy. Before you know it, you wont be afraid!